Burdened with hope
I'm beginning to wonder if the smiles from Miss Sapphire are hiding something. She's been out-of-state for about a month and things have started to change. I like change, but secrets can be hurtful during those changes.
While she has been away, I made it a point to show her I wanted to see her again. She seemed certain that it wasn't true. I don't know why, but I've been reminding her otherwise. I wanted to remove that doubt, be genuinely sweet to her, and make her smile. So among other things, I sent her a haiku:
Held still in amber, a song from the skies of spring. And the leaves will grow.
It was a nice sentiment. And while I doubt it, she said she deleted it. Alright, maybe she did delete it, but probably to make space in her phone. But still, why would she say something that could hurt me?
And that's what I'm wondering. Why do I feel like she's resistant to my kindness? Like my intentions are cruel. Then she keeps indicating that she's part of some "experiment" or master plan. And I don't get it.
I want to feel to whatever extent I can in the time we have together.
It might be that I'm being "too nice." Something some say about Colette. And if that's it--it's a compliment, even if it's misunderstood. Or if it questions our willingness to give again. There's no such thing as being too nice, but they still say it. I guess what they mean is that she's unbelievably nice. That her kindness is fake, a way to exploit us. That's not it though and it's saddens me to think that we, as a whole, lack trust.
Maybe there is no secret. Maybe I expect too much.
But here's me thinking me thinking I have some sort of importance in her life. She said she was "burdened with hope." I don't know, that sounds like something. And all I can do is be my self and see if things fit together.
Only a little
We stared into each other's eyes, waiting in anticipation. I didn't know what to expect. She seemed nervous. She would start to speak, then sigh. Then try again, but still nothing.
I asked for a secret and I could only guess what Miss Sapphire locked behind her lips. Why not tell me about the thought that made her smile? What was there to lose?
Then I noticed.
She was trying to tell me, I just had to be patient. Maybe she wanted to say it right. Maybe she didn't want to say it at all, but she was trying to, and that's what captivated me. She was letting me in, and even if it was just a little, it made me smile.
She took a deep breath and scruntched her face.
Nothing again.
As much as I wanted to know, she had to want to tell me. I didn't want to pull it out. I didn't want to force it.
Then all the sudden, it came out.
That's it. Wait, that's it! "That's it?" I inflected my voice. Wait, what!? Why? She didn't want to feel ridiculous, and that's how I react. No, no, no. I kissed her. I ramble on and on trying to fix it. I kissed her and kissed her again. It was nice.
She said a lot with only a little.
We only need a little. I forget that sometimes.
Maybe
In deciding the future, it's upon me to learn what's possible.
Particularly libidinous Mosuo women and men unashamedly report having hundreds of relationships. Shame, from their perspective, would be the proper response to promises of or demands of fidelity. A vow of fidelity would be considered inappropriate--an attempt at negotiation or exchange. Openly expressed jealousy, for the Mosuo, is considered aggressive in its implied intrusion upon the sacred autonomy of another person, and is thus met with ridicule and shame.
Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, Sex at Dawn
When did we decide that marriage was the superior? I'm not asking when society as a whole decided. I'm asking when did we individually decide that our greatest expression of love was established by the state? On a piece of paper nonetheless.
I doubt ever, but rather we live to the successes we've been taught.
Upon becoming "husband and wife," a sexually exclusive pair-bond is formed. Our assets become shared (by law) and our decision rewarded by the state through lowered taxes. As in, other than inferences of testimonial, how did we come to understand the superiority of monogamy to its alternatives?
Those indoctrinated follow a lifestyle without challenging the standard.
In self-reflection, they say to their selves, "you know, I think I'm going to be monogamous. The benefits of having a single partner suits my personality and I prefer it to my non-monogamous relationships which more or less end in bloodshed and somebody telling your eyebrows are uneven. It's just not for me."
Sure.
I loved being monogamous. If that state of "being" actually exists. My personality has changed, but "being" with multiple people doesn't feel any different than "being" with one person. The difference is that were accepting of new relationships. Our life consists of choosing intimacy with whomever, regardless of my other relations.
I still love instances of monogamy; a world merged by two perspectives.
After climbing to a mountain's peak with Miss Sapphire, she's nestled in my arms and sunlight scatters through the clouds. There's nothing like it; seeing everything at once, only each other. Or to find Colette soaked, wandering in the rain. She gets in my car and we're silent to the droplets on the roof. We sit hand in hand.
It's different instances of monogamy.
Words can't signify what these moments mean to me.
Then there's an ideal; a community of friends, family, and lovers. The (Mosuo) men and women of Lugu Lake, don't have a word for husband or wife, but refer to each other as friends. They exist without dividing their states of being. They exist as one of the few remaining matriarchal societies, where the lineage is traced through the women. They've learned to love without inhibition and they've inspire me.
...it is a fallacy upon ourselves, to charge our present selves with any thing we did, or to imagine our present selves interested in any thing which befell us yesterday, or that our present self will be interested in what will befall us tomorrow; since our present self is not, in reality, the same with the self of yesterday, but another like self or person coming in its room, and mistaken for it; to which another self will succeed tomorrow.
John Butler
I'm learning that living with several partners is possible. I don't know if its realistic under our current circumstances or if those who share these moments with me would be willing to live that life--but it's possible. It's not for everybody, but maybe it's for me.
Maybe its a state of being. That a new state of being will succeed my current being. Maybe these limiting beliefs will fade away. I don't' know, but its a future with potential and it seems far more interesting than the standard narrative.
Unlocking you
I'm not the same person I was a year ago.
I've discovered what makes me happy and understand (for the most part) what's changed in my life, to a point where I can relate it to everybody. And if you want to find your happiness, you're going to have to explore and take some risks. You've probably heard all of this before, but I'm going to elaborate on its importance.
"Accept yourself"
You wake up in the morning and everyday you stare at the person everybody else is going to see. How does your hair look? Does your breath smell? Do you have enough time to iron your shirt? You want to look your best for others, nothing unusual.
Some of us will say, "I want to look the best for me." That's some shit. Chances are they won't be looking at their self, at all, for the rest of the day. And if they we're doing it for their self, they wouldn't need a mirror to tell them that they look beautiful.
We look in the mirror to see how closely we resemble society's image of beauty. Or are you going to tell me fanny packs were what they wore for themselves? Or bell-bottoms? Or corsets? No, wait. Those who pay several thousands of dollars to change the structure of their face, they only want to resemble the person they see in themselves and want to share that beauty with the world.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not so different. I wear deodorant, shine my shoes, and cut my hair to the standards of a modern society. Does that make me a hypocrite? No. I've changed what I wear and grown out my hair. I've done these things to resemble the person that reflects my personality. Or, society would say my image is congruent with my personality and biology.
Some people love their image despite weighing more than average. Some people love being pale. Some people love their frayed hair. Still, most people don't love their image and it's because they have a unified and unrealistic interpretation of what society finds beautiful.
That needs to stop. You don't need to look a certain way to be beautiful. Eat and live healthy, that's what's significant. Accept your appearance.
Did I mention that you've heard this before?
"You bring out the best in me"
Others may say, "you're the light to my day" or "you complete me." Same thing. These people reflect your personality. It can be your mother or a lover, but a piece of your personality becomes highlighted by their personality when you're comfortable expressing it to them.
These people are important to you. They teach you things about yourself. In a world where you usually reserve your opinion, they listen to you. Of the thousands of faces that meet you, they find you gorgeous.
The same can be said about larger groups. They allow you to express yourself, to learn and live an enjoyable life. Maybe it's pallates, maybe it's coin collecting.
They unlock you.
For Colette, she had become a free-spirited person, fulfilled in every aspect in her life. Then she moved away from home, losing most of her family. Losing an outlet for her personality. Then she left school, losing a community which embraced her intelligence. And in this last year, it was me. She thought she had lost me, the single most important person that valued her imperfect-perfectness. It's society that finds her imperfections, but it's me who understands and loves those imperfections.
She's lost though, trying to find herself. She's searching, trying to find truth to my words. She's hoping somebody will engage her like me, find her funny and smart. She thinks about if they laughed or what they said, and if it means anything. She wants to feel like they want to see her again and again.
Then there's Miss Sapphire. She's more of a mystery to me and I want to know the rest. I want to unlock what she hides from the world. That she shouldn't keep it to herself. That she's already perfect and no matter what she's done or what she knows, she's just as wonderful. She's brought out parts of me and she deserves the same.
"Be the change you want to see"
When we stop valuing our physical and material worth to society, we can focus on qualities that define our self. Our boundaries.
Just as we are trying to live up to expectations of others, others are trying to live up the expectations of us. As much as they may not want to admit it, they want us to like them. As we do them.
Then we should focus on the characteristics that we want to discourage and reward. If we want the truth, then don't lie. Emphasis your dislike for lies. Tell them, "I don't want to go tonight, it seems boring." You might be a flake, among many other things, but you communicate your intentions and have given permission to them to be equally as blunt. Or honest.
That's just an example. There's many other changes you can make to your daily life which reinforce a set of principles that you believe in. Those principles are important, define them. They might change as you learn other people and ideas, but it's the best you can do with the information at hand.
"It's none of my business what you think of me"
Consider yourself to be in two extreme circumstances. In one situation, you have no friends and walk through life without any significant human contact. Then one day you decide to start a conversation with a cashier about your cats. Maybe he hates cats. Maybe you need to shave. Maybe your card gets declined. There could be countless reasons that they don't want to see you again and they're repulsed at your attempt to begin a conversation.
What do you have to lose?
Nothing. Nobody likes you, what's the difference if one more person doesn't like you? They're joining the masses.
In the other situation, everybody's either your friend or family. It's rare for somebody to disagree with you and upon entering the door, everybody tips their hat to you. Then one day your walking down the street when you see a foreign face and initiate a conversation with them. Maybe your breath smells. Maybe you were beaten with an ugly stick, over and over, and nobody had the courage to tell you. Maybe you're rude. Again, there could be a million reasons why they don't like you.
What do you have to lose?
Nothing. What, this is the first person that you've met that doesn't like you? There are hundreds of people who love and respect you, it makes no difference if one more joins your entourage.
What's the difference between these two versions of you? You. And not the you that you understand you to be, but the you that you think they understand you to be.
There's few people who will tell you that they don't like you. Then why would you make that assumption? Especially when you could assume that everybody loves you. There are certainly indicators that they might not like you. Maybe they didn't laugh at your jokes. Maybe they made a weird face. Who knows?
But have you considered that they could be hung over. Or maybe their friend died recently. Or whatever! It doesn't matter and unless they say something, then they're probably thinking about what you're thinking about them.
"Please help me"
Then we should realise that (and this is the important part) when we open up and show them who we really are, we're making them comfortable. We're saying, I accept myself and I respect those who have the courage to let me see them.
Which is why support groups are fantastic. We come to accept our flawed nature by hearing from those who think similar to us. And we're all flawed! Each and every person has differences that can be considered abnormal by society's standard and those differences give them a unique perspective that can help us learn the world and how to interact with it.
That by us not sharing ourselves, we are effectively causing others to remain inhibited and withhold valuable information. It feels good to let go too, which explains why we drink a lot of alcohol. Except you don't need alcohol.
Then how do we do it?
You jump first. Each day you have to practice putting yourself out there, into the wild. At first they definitely seem like harsh critics, but they're not, they just want a chance to be themselves. They want us to unlock them.
I jump.
And that's why I'm not the same person I was a year ago.