Don't Be Scared observations of chaos and other ideologies

Give them a reason

Value motivates behavior.

While our species has evolved to value behaviors beneficial to our survival, we aren't survival focused. Between anorexia, obesity, and smoking; we know counter productive behavior isn't rare.

That being said, there are three basic types of value: accessible, genetic, and adaptive.

Clothes, cars, technology, and other assets have accessible value. Cash being the most fluid of assets, it dominates. Our height, facial structure, skin tone, and hair color come from our genes. These (genotype) values predispose us to our environment. Humor, body language, tonality, habit, and style are adapted values (phenotype) that allow us to succeed in a spectrum of different environments.

"Lights, camera, action"

If you've ever been to a live performance, then you probably know the performers spent hundreds of hours preparing, that their equipment costs thousands of dollars, and several people had to be convinced of their ability prior to them taking stage.

But that's life.

And to some degree, we're all performers, wearing make-up and props to emphasize our value. Anything from push-up bras to cologne, we make choices that give us value on life's stage.

Some of us were "lucky" to be born with a genetic sequence that makes us attractive to the majority. Some of us may be born into a wealthy family, but it's not their money or appearance that makes them desirable, it's the audience. We want to be surrounded and admired for something about us. We want to feel important. 

Technically we want the value associated with importance, but we've associated receiving value with being important. Just being the in the limelight is good enough and the rest should fall into place once they start paying attention to us.

"Who are you?"

The values of our culture are made through associations. We see diamonds, that means money, and money means achievement, fame, or status. We see perky breasts, that's an indicator of health, and health means fertility.

But is that what we value?
Is that how we want to be valued?

Once we have money, is that when they'll give us their affection? Is that when they'll rip out the red carpet and escort us to the front of the line? And if so, do we want them to construct their reality toward giving us value for our money?

Is that what will make us happy?

Probably not.

Think of our loved ones. What do they do for us and why? If we thought they wanted to spend time with us because of how we looked or things we bought them, how would we feel?

It depends. If we're business partners trying to earn a buck, they're interested in how we earned our accessible value and we know their intentions. But if they're supposed to be our friend, but not genuinely interested in our personality, its likely to hurt.

We're attracted to specific values.
It's what we want that defines us and our relationships.

"Much to learn, you still have" 

We can be desirable based on our adaptive values. Learn what makes you happy (what you want), then show the world. If they don't see it, then we're probably not explaining it well enough. Then it's entirely possible that only we can see the beauty in something; be it funny or insightful.

I'm not suggesting smacking crack off a stripper ass or swinging between chandeliers, but if you can pull it off, do it. If you're a good conversationalist, do that, especially if others enjoy your ideas.

Sometimes it takes a little effort to figure out how two people fit together.
Other times we just click; our perspectives aligned.

Our personality is expressed through those who surround us. It's important for us to find a  niche. No comedian is funny to everybody. They're funny to those who understand the environment they criticize. That's okay though, they weren't the target audience.

Explore the stage and the audience. The better we understand our environment and how others see it, the easier it is for us to convey our perspective.

Learn the environment and audience before taking stage.
That's our adaptive value and why it's important to be wrong.

"It's better to give than receive"

We are pleasured by giving and receiving value. Our ability to give value, gives us value. When we give to others, it makes us valuable to them. It makes us important to them. Meaning we need an outlet to express our self to become valuable.

I practice on all audiences, but that's just me.

Whenever we're surrounded by others, it's an opportunity to give value. Try finding enjoyable conversations with everybody. Help a friend move. Take interest in other's interests.

That's how we feel and become valuable. Those around us will react to our interests because we become apart of them. We're working together to make our collective valuable to each other.

On communication

There are certain aspects of modern relationships that are heading towards the unusual.

It's a phenomenon that has never existed before, being able to contact anybody, anytime. Be it that our mom wants to remind us to pick up some cheese from the store or we want to see our niece two thousand miles away, it's possible. For the most part it's a luxury.

Then there are those times when you're faced with unexpected dilemmas. It's not all that serious, but it feels urgent and detrimental to your integrity.

"What's time are you going to be here?"

Ummm, I don't know. When I get there. As quickly as I can given the restraints of traffic and capabilities of my vehicle. I can estimate, but even then, I'll probably be wrong.

Oh I got it, "I'm on the way."
I just left and I still have to pick up some ice.

Meanwhile, I still have to call that girl from the other night. She's either waiting for the call or hoping to never hear from me. Calling immediately may seem... too much. Then again, if she really into me, she might like it. Or wait, let her guess if I am going to call at all and then she'll be relieved when I do, even it's a few days later. No, no, no. That seems intentional, I don't want to...

It goes on and on and on.

Instead, act within your own intentions. If you want to call (or text), then do it. If a single text message or phone call ruins the relationship, then it probably wasn't going anywhere. If it was a mistake (from their perspective), then you still did want you wanted and took action despite their opinion of you.

Our society tends to do the opposite: mirroring. If we call, we want a call back. If a text is returned in two hours, we'll purposely make them wait. Not that it's childish or anything, it is, but there's an underlying reason for it.

It's a method of rewards and punishments. Except we tend to punish more than reward when rewards have been proven to be more effective.

Punishment can lead to a downward spiral of retaliation, with destructive outcomes for everybody involved. The people with the highest total payoffs do not use costly punishment.

David G. Rand

When our friends don't continue with their regular communication pattern after an argument, it's likely they're punishing us. We may still want to be friends, but then want to punish them for punishing us, causing us to reciprocate their behavior. "I'm not going to be the one who calls first, why should I apologize?"

Similarly, romantic relationships are beginning on bitter-sweet terms. Women give their number (reward), but then men don't call for several days (punishment). Or they text her after several days, which isn't exactly the best way to begin a relationship.

That's what's really happening. What's believed to be happening is completely different. The recipient of the number wants to convey value. That they're busy. That something in their life is very important and that by not calling immediately, they lower the value of the person waiting for a call. They want to demonstrate that they're not necessary to their life.

Consider a person who values their position in relation to others, their insecure. They prove that their right. They talk about others negatively. They're envious and jealous. They need others weaknesses to prove their strengths. Some personalities will punish to demonstrate their control of the relationship. They're the master, we're the slaves!

Or are we?

There's the possibility that they're actually very busy. Maybe they don't need this relationship. It's possible, but then what's the purpose of exchanging contacts? There must have been some intention of connecting again.

The point being, if we're intentionally taking action based on their opinion, then we're being inhibited by them. Or alternatively, our action is in response to them. Either way, we're processing our image and we disguise our selves out of fear.  Especially with our modern method of communication, it can be interpreted as manipulative or tactile.

Except, it's difficult to say phone calls or texting is tactile. We could be shopping. We may have just had a car accident. We're just busy.

We have a life beyond the cyberspace, that's good. As long as were communicating to reward our relationships, not punish. By rewarding people, it's easier for them to understand what we desire. They can only speculate as to how we wronged us. "Why won't she text me back?" "Why is he mad?" Why, why, why?

It's something about our passive-agressive culture and poor communications skills, along with information lost in the medium, that's causing modern relationships to stray towards the unusual. And it starts with us.

They don't need an explanation as to why we're smiling. It's our frowning that causes them to go into self-reflection and think something is wrong with them.

But what about acting within our own intentions?

Enjoy life by focusing on the positive parts and celebrating it. Don't worry about the rest, they'll catch on.