Burdened with hope
I'm beginning to wonder if the smiles from Miss Sapphire are hiding something. She's been out-of-state for about a month and things have started to change. I like change, but secrets can be hurtful during those changes.
While she has been away, I made it a point to show her I wanted to see her again. She seemed certain that it wasn't true. I don't know why, but I've been reminding her otherwise. I wanted to remove that doubt, be genuinely sweet to her, and make her smile. So among other things, I sent her a haiku:
Held still in amber, a song from the skies of spring. And the leaves will grow.
It was a nice sentiment. And while I doubt it, she said she deleted it. Alright, maybe she did delete it, but probably to make space in her phone. But still, why would she say something that could hurt me?
And that's what I'm wondering. Why do I feel like she's resistant to my kindness? Like my intentions are cruel. Then she keeps indicating that she's part of some "experiment" or master plan. And I don't get it.
I want to feel to whatever extent I can in the time we have together.
It might be that I'm being "too nice." Something some say about Colette. And if that's it--it's a compliment, even if it's misunderstood. Or if it questions our willingness to give again. There's no such thing as being too nice, but they still say it. I guess what they mean is that she's unbelievably nice. That her kindness is fake, a way to exploit us. That's not it though and it's saddens me to think that we, as a whole, lack trust.
Maybe there is no secret. Maybe I expect too much.
But here's me thinking me thinking I have some sort of importance in her life. She said she was "burdened with hope." I don't know, that sounds like something. And all I can do is be my self and see if things fit together.