Feeling it
Colette is sick. It's difficult for her to breathe and talk because of an inflamed throat. This is the third instance in the last six months. And as much as it pains me to see her suffer, I love recording her sick.
Her unusual voice and not being able to move too much. It's irresistible.
But that's besides the point. Something else is bothering her, it's about Mister Silk. She's crushing on him. He's funny, kind of a nerd, and tries to please. Except, he can't stop talking about himself. Which isn't unusual, it's what people do. But if she doesn't feel like she's involved in the conversation, it seems like he's after sex. That being precisely what she thought.
They got down anyways.
Things continued to be going well, right up until she told him (on their fifth date) about me. That's quite a wait to let somebody in on some startling information about yourself, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue seeing him until the previous date. It's not always the most enjoyable of conversations either.
In this instance, he wasn't particularly mature about it. His immediate reaction was competitive. Asking her if she thinks I would be alright with her dating a doctor. Which is absolutely absurd! I would never let my girlfriend sleep with somebody that she finds intellectually attractive. Oh wait.
Then he went on to blame open relationships as the primary reason for poverty in black communities. Which is racist.
He was having a really hard time confronting the situation, which is completely understandable. And the next day he sounded a far more reasonable:
The funny thing about all this is that you've really made me confront myself and ask what I'm all about. I've been arguing your argument forever now, and now confronted with this form of its reality, I cloak myself in traditionalism. My hypocrisy knows no bounds I suppose. The true irony being that I both want what you have and that I am unable to accept it. I want to have my cake and eat it too.
To which she responded:
It is interesting because I too went through the same process with myself. And I had questions as well as concerns that continue to come up. But, once I delved into this, it was quite humbling, in that I know now it is possible. I am happy and looking for someone I can be happy with in addition to what I have.
He needs time to think about it, but while she waits, she's feeling guilty. About waiting too long to tell him. About seeing his sadness. I have seen that sadness too; it looks as if you ripped the magic from a smile.
She's sad too.
She didn't expect him to care. He certainly didn't act like it. And to see that you're having a profoundly negative effect on somebody, it hurts. He had her question the purpose and sustainability of our relationship. As in, the possibility of a serious relationship developing and what it means in respect to our living situation. The possibility that we aren't going through a phase.
It's certainly uncertain.
And not having an outcome is unsettling, but who wants to settle anyways?